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More from `apocathary

Lawrence and his t.w.p. Lawrence loved his snug fitting, titanium white pants. They were, he supposed, the tightest, whitest pants in the town, perhaps even the world. The way they clung to the thin stalks of his legs, so close to his skin that his leg-hairs made bumps in the material, made him wish he had been born with bone white denim rather than shy pink tissue. He wore them constantly, no matter what the occasion. Family dinners, school balls, he had even worn them to his great Aunt's funeral. In fact, the only time he ever took his tight, white pants off (a complicated process involving a stanley knife and a surgeon's steady hand) was to coax another pair on.

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November 16, 2009
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(Contains: sexual themes)
:iconapocathary:
Just had this one rejected from a publication, so I'm looking for comments/critiques from y'all to try and make it better.

Not that I would want to lead your reading, but there are some points I want people to consider:

:bulletgreen: Are the descriptions of him scratching too graphic, not graphic enough, or too 'obvious'?

:bulletgreen: Is the progression of belief smooth? Does it make sense that he believes that the girl is his cat? Or, more importantly, does it niggle you that he might do that, so that you think perhaps something is wrong with him?

:bulletgreen: The ending. Make sense or not?
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:iconberylalexandros:
`BerylAlexandros Jan 7, 2010
Well, I don't know if I have anything constructive to say, but I enjoyed the story... although I would like something a little bit more definite regarding if he's just crazy, if the girl really is his cat, and if so if she really was hunting him... and if she really was his cat and really was hunting him, why? I guess she'd be kind of mad about him starting neglecting her when he got an allergy; but there is almost this indication that the allergy is something that the cat is doing intentionally, and why would the cat have started causing such an itch originally? I'm guessing he's crazy and it's just his own guilt... but maybe not.
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:iconapocathary:
`apocathary Jan 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Your response pretty much sums up all that needs to be worked on with this one. (: Basically it needs clarification and a cleaner narrative. I've been working on some other projects, but I think this one has had enough drawer time for me to go back to it with fresh eyes. Thanks for reading and bringing it back to my attention! :highfive:

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www :: @ :: ♫
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:iconsaintartaud:
`saintartaud Nov 23, 2009  Professional General Artist
A cup of coffee from the staff room simmered in the jet-stream of his laptop's exhaust fan...
I'm not sure that "simmered" is logistically the word you want here.

As far as your specific questions:

Are the descriptions of him scratching too graphic, not graphic enough, or too 'obvious'?
Repetitive and much like James, I'm unsure about "blood cascading" and what-not. I think you could pull back a bit and not describe it so graphically and still have it be effective.

Is the progression of belief smooth? Does it make sense that he believes that the girl is his cat? Or, more importantly, does it niggle you that he might do that, so that you think perhaps something is wrong with him?
It doesn't seem abrupt to me. If anything, I feel like you're over-emphasizing the connection w/the questioning and then blatantly stating the connection he's making. Once you compare the girl's hair color to the cat's, I knew exactly where you were going. Maybe it's my familiarity with these kinds of stories, but I didn't have to work very hard to get there. As such, I found the story a bit plodding during the first half or so.

The ending. Make sense or not?
I have to admit, it's rather ambiguous. Is the cat (girl?) his hallucination? Is she a symbol? Is the girl actually there? They never really meet or talk previously, so why would she be?
My inclination would have been to cut out the last passage entirely, but I can see where you were going with it.

I did think it was an interesting story, a nice experiment with subjective perspective and a bit of a twist ending. Mostly it would benefit by condensation of the narrative and perhaps clarifying the resolution.

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Things are going badly because sick consciousness has a vested interest...in not recovering from its sickness.
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:iconapocathary:
`apocathary Nov 24, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Cheers for the crit mate. It's definitely undercooked. That damned glow that surrounds every new piece, you know? Condensation and clarification, definitely two words I'll be keeping in mind when I redraft. Those, and the phrase 'What am I trying to say here?'. My feeling is that it's not enough to have pretty words when writing in this style, there's got to be some message given, some point expanded upon. We'll see how that goes. Thanks again! (:

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www :: @ :: ♫
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:iconbatousaijin:
~batousaijin Nov 19, 2009
i would say the biggest room for improvement is in the story's progression. for me the reader, there wasn't any progression. i could tell from the moment the girl was introduced that she was the cat's reincarnation. remember the roald dahl omnibus about the cat who was the reincarnation of lizst? ;) i think this story needs more control over the amount of information provided to the reader. don't show your hand right off the bat.

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"The way one describes a story, to oneself or to the world, is by telling the story. The most accurate map possible would be the territory itself, and thus would be perfectly accurate and perfectly useless."
--American Gods, Neil Gaiman
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:iconapocathary:
`apocathary Nov 19, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Hrm, it's interesting that you are convinced that the girl really is the cat's reincarnation. Was there any doubt that crossed your mind during the story that suggested to you that perhaps this wasn't the case?

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www :: @ :: ♫
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:iconbatousaijin:
~batousaijin Nov 19, 2009
well yes, but i recognized the gimmick right off. dahl also leaves room for doubt about ole franzy.

--
"The way one describes a story, to oneself or to the world, is by telling the story. The most accurate map possible would be the territory itself, and thus would be perfectly accurate and perfectly useless."
--American Gods, Neil Gaiman
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:iconsp0ons:
~sp0ons Nov 19, 2009
since most of what can be said has been said, i just wanted to mention that i was so engrossed that i had to finish the last paragraph in a rush and find out what happened. which is sad, because it doesn't do it justice, but it was so much fun i couldn't help it and it's nothing a reread can't fix =D

i've had really bad skin outbreaks at times, and my beard grows pretty thick, and i can tell you that your description holds extra ick factor for me personally because it quite skilfully describes the feeling, albeit in a dramatic way.

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The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. All art is quite useless.
- Wilde
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:iconapocathary:
`apocathary Nov 19, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Heh, the 'dramatic way' can probably be toned down a little. Just enough to incapacitate him, rather than conjure all these horrible images. Thanks for reading dude, and rereading even! :D

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www :: @ :: ♫
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:iconfriedemann:
!Friedemann Nov 18, 2009
I'm allergic to cats and my ex used to have one. I called him Satan (the cat, not the ex).

The violence of Brendan's scratching only seemed extreme because of the context. You would think Brendan's parents or Brendan himself would consider allergy medication to mitigate the affects. It would be much more believable if there was nothing B could do to reduce the allergic reaction, despite medication, etc. The connection he makes between his dead cat and the pony-tail girl is a great idea, but coming to that conclusion from B's perspective felt very abrupt to me. Towards the later half of the story, you attach certain feline qualities to the girl in question, very aptly. Try employing some of these before B makes that assumption. Why would he immediately jump to that conclusion based on the itching sensation alone? A friend of mine gets reactions from cat hair caught in someone else's clothes. These were the only things that truly struck me between the eyes, and I felt they were essential points to your story.

I hope this was helpful Phil. I've been meaning to read this sooner, but this week has been long and hellish. I want to go over some technical points, but I think you can catch all of them on your second go.

Great read man. Keep submitting. And remember that tack board! :thumbsup:
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